In the aftermath of the upheaval of separation, there usually comes a time for reflection, when you take stock.

A Process

After the practical details have been largely sorted out, there follows a process of coming to terms with the situation.

You may move:-

• from grief to relief
• from anger to peace
• from guilt to freedom
• from regret to progress

Often unrecognised, a relationship breakdown brings with it a grief similar to that of a bereavement.

It is the ending of a relationship…or is it?

Depending on your situation, it may be the ending of a relationship, but more likely it is the changing of one form of relationship into another. This is a process; it takes time and it is quite usual for both parents and children to feel unsure and confused. It is the relinquishing of the couple relationship for that of a parent-to-parent relationship.

It Takes Time to Adjust

As adjustment takes place it is important not to push feelings under the carpet and pretend they are not there. They will bubble up in adults and children, sometimes triggered by incidents and memories.

As time progresses, it is likely that a satisfactory pattern of separated parenting will become established although in some instances the situation may remain very hostile. A significant number of parents do lose all contact with their children by five years after separation. In such cases, there will have been much heartbreak on the part of the children and the parent who no longer sees them.

If you can begin working out arrangements for the children, with reviews over time, situations can take a more hopeful turn and confidence can increase.

What if there are Difficulties?

Current research shows that children do best when regular contact is maintained with both parents. However, children suffer when there is a lot of conflict.

Both parents will need to work at maintaining the situation that gives the best amount of contact with the least amount of friction.

Being a parent is not easy and separated parenting brings a new set of emotions and situations that cannot all be anticipated. It is important to seek help before getting too despairing. Talking to a friend or relative, so long as s/he is able to listen and be supportive, can be very helpful.

Getting it off your chest usually reduces the load and helps you think in more practical, logical terms about what is best to do. It may however be that you or your children want some outside help.