Mediators sometimes see children but only if the mediator and the parents believe it will help the child and the mediation. Children sometimes find it easier to talk to a neutral outsider. Confidentiality also applies to seeing children except when issues of safety and well-being are raised.

If children are seen as part of the mediation process, their views, wishes and feelings may be fed back to parents in the next mediation session. Sometimes children do this directly or sometimes the mediator does this on their behalf.

Children will suffer less if they are encouraged to talk about their fears and worries and if there is someone prepared to try to understand their feelings.

How can you help your children?

Relationship breakdown can be a very emotional time for children, so try to bear the following in mind:

• children often think the divorce or separation is their fault - reassure your child that it's not
• avoid asking who they want to live with – they may feel they are being asked which parent they love more
• older children may become resentful of one of the parents if they feel that one parent is 'to blame' – try to encourage children not to 'take sides'
• stability is important to children - encourage your children to keep following their usual routine, but don't force them
• if you feel angry towards your partner, don't let this boil over into physical or verbal violence - children can suffer if they see such behaviour
• try to resolve conflicts with your partner early - the longer you leave a problem, the worse it can be for your children
• don't use your children to negotiate for you and don't ask them to keep secrets or give you information about your partner
• tell your children that it is okay to cry and don't make them feel guilty about showing affection or concern about their other parent
• the 'It's not your fault' website is written for children to help them understand more about divorce/separation and their feelings

Download 'My Family and I' [PDF] for younger children which will help them to think around the changes occurring in their family.

Download 'My family is changing' [PDF] for children and young people which is a guide to how to deal with changes in families and where you can go for help.

Download 'Here to Help' [PDF] for younger children which is a guide to how the CAFCASS workers can assist.

Keeping your children informed

It is important to keep your children informed at every stage of your separation or divorce. You are not protecting them by keeping things from them.

Tell your children what is happening. They don't need every detail, but they do need to know what is going on. They may not wish to be involved in making decisions, but most children will still want to feel they are being listened to.

Encourage your children to ask questions and give them honest and reassuring answers, but don't promise what you can’t deliver. If something is not yet decided, then say so and reassure them that you will tell them as soon as you can.

Remember also that as children grow, their needs change.

The Court has wide powers to make orders in relation to children but the most common when parents separate or divorce are as follows:

Parental Responsibility

A person who has parental responsibility has the right to be involved in major decisions concerning arrangements for a child. A mother automatically has parental responsibility – as does a married father.

An unmarried father will have parental responsibility if the registration of the birth took place after 1st December 2003 and the father is named on the birth certificate. If not, he can acquire parental responsibility by entering into an agreement with the mother or by order of the court.

Residence

A residence order sets out the arrangements as to the person with whom a child will live. It can be shared between the two people so the children, in effect, will have more than one place they can call home.

Contact

A contact order require the person with whom a child lives to allow the child to visit or stay with the person named in the order or to have contact in some other form. Contact can be direct (visiting/ staying) or indirect (letters/emails/ presents). Contact with his/her natural parents is regarded as a fundamental right of the child and there have to be strong reasons for a court to refuse contact.

Download 'Staying in Contact' [PDF] for an introduction to contact activities and orders.

Your responsibility to your children

Children will sometimes feel that they are to blame for the separation or divorce, they see things from a child’s perspective. In many families, there are frequent parental rows over incidences that incorporate and influence the children, and in some cases, these are conducted in front of the children.

It is understandable that the children may fear that they are the cause of the disharmony between their parents and, in their desireto see things fixed between you, they may feel an unrealistic sense of responsibility towards you both.

Before reaching the point of separation, the adults may well have been trying to work through their relationship problems, perhaps consciously ‘staying together for the sake of the kids.’ You need to make it clear to your children; your relationship problems are not their fault, or their responsibility.

Further support

For more information and advice, call Parentline Plus on 0808 800 2222. Calls are free and confidential and their experts are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also talk to a trained advisor online. Find out more at www.parentlineplus.org.uk