Support me, I'm a Child / Teenager

If your parents are separating or divorcing, you probably have a lot of questions about what will happen.

These are some common questions that other kids with divorced or separated parents, wish they'd known the answers to when their parents parted ways.

One of the most frightening things about a divorce is not knowing what's going to happen next.

Here is some general advice for you:

1. Life goes on

It may feel like a huge blow has been dealt to your family and nothing will ever be the same again, and for most people that's true. It's important to keep in mind that even though it may be in a different home or with a much-changed family, there is still a life after divorce or separation.

School keeps going, life keeps going, and most importantly, you keep going.

Still doubtful? Ask around in some of your classes. I guarantee you that you'll find someone whose parents are already divorced or have separated.

Unfortunately, this is incredibly common, and lots of other kids have gone through the same process that you're going through right now.

The good news? These same kids have managed to survive their divorce or separation, and can grow up to be happy, successful people.

This is not the end of the road.

2. This is NOT your fault

Unfortunately, the first thought that flashes through most kids' heads when they hear that their parents are getting a divorce is typically "it's my fault."

I'm guilty of that, too - but it's not true for me or for you.

The real people responsible for this are your parents. They're adults, and they understand the decision that they're making.

And, for whatever reason, they have decided that a divorce or to separate is the best option for your family.

As much as it's nice to think that we could have stopped this, the truth is that their decision was out of our hands.

You are not responsible for the failure of their marriage.

3. Your parents may act differently for a while

Disabled child painting That's to be expected. Like you, your parents are adjusting to this change in their own ways.

They may start dating other people and spend less time at home or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, suddenly start cooking dinner every night and trying to spend more time with you.

And, yes, they will probably be sad and angry for a while. This has nothing to do with you - it's just their way of grieving.

Remember, they didn't get married expecting to get divorced, and it was probably very hard on them to see their marriage fail.

Things should stabilise again after your parents have finished adjusting.

4. You can't fix everything

This is really hard for most people to admit, but some things are just out of our hands

So, while you might give your mum or dad an extra hug when they're feeling down, or spend a little more time with your brother or sister, remember that you can't always fix things for them.

The only person you can truly take care of is yourself.

Try to remember that if you find yourself acting more like your parents' counsellor than their child, or your brother's parent rather than their older sibling, you don't need to act like someone else to be a great child, brother, or sister - just be yourself.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to help out occasionally; it just means that you need to take care of yourself before you start trying to take care of them.

5. Everyone's experience is different

Divorce affects every person differently, depending on their personality and family life.

While one person may want things to go back to the way they used to be, another may be relieved that their parents have divorced or separated. Some teens might be completely shocked that their parents divorced.

No matter what you feel, it's okay to feel that way! Just remember that no two experiences are alike.

Stepfamilies, moving, visitation - it all varies for each person. So even though you've heard what the experience was like for others, it doesn't mean it will be the same for you.

Divorce is different for everyone.

6. Divorce doesn't happen like they show in the movies

Ever seen the movie The Parent Trap? Two girls, whose parents are divorced, trick their parents into getting back together and they all become one big happy family again.

Unfortunately, it rarely happens like this in real life. For most parents, divorce is final. No amount of playing matchmaker on your part will get them back together.

This is their decision, and, as hard as it is to admit, you have no control over it.

The good side? Stepfamilies don't work like they show in the movies, either. Remember the evil stepmother in Cinderella? It's very doubtful that a stepmother will make you be her maid and sleep by the fire in rags. And, believe it or not, there are actually good stepmothers in real life.

Young People and Divorce

Stress after your parents divorce can get overwhelming because there are so many changes to adjust to. That's why it's important to learn to cope, or deal with, that stress.

There are both good and bad ways of coping, and here I'll give you some of the good choices that you can use. Unfortunately, we can't list all of them, so this is where you just use common sense to tell the difference between what might be a good way of coping and a bad way.

Just ask yourself if it sounds healthy and if it will make you feel better - if the answer is yes to both, it's probably a good way of coping.

Pop quiz: Is alcohol a healthy way of coping?

The answer I'm looking for here is a pretty clear 'no'.

If you have questions, always ask a counsellor or psychologist.

Download 'my family’s splitting up' [PDF] which will give you some more information about the reasons parents split up, stories of young people who have been through parents’ divorcing or separating and some exercises to help you see things from a variety of perspectives.

Download 'Here to Help' [PDF] which will show you who you can go to for help.

Talking

Four children talking Believe it or not, no matter how alone you might feel there is always someone out there that you can talk to and get help from.

Naturally, there's the traditional group - priests, teachers, and guidance counselors - but there are others, too.

You might feel a lot more comfortable talking to a youth worker, for example, rather than a spiritual leader.

Psychologists and counsellors are also a great resource. They're people who you can safely talk to about your problems because they're required by law to keep what you say secret, unless there are circumstances in which they think you are a threat to yourself, for example. Ask about school psychologists; they often deal with kids whose parents are divorcing and can help you for free.

If things ever get really bad and you need someone to talk to right away, there are always Hotlines you can call to get immediate help in a crisis. Check the links page for more hotline options.

Exercise

Teenagers with mountain bikes Yes, exercise is actually a way of coping.

Why does it help? Have you ever heard of a runner's high? They happen after you exercise for a while and feel euphoric, like you're on top of the world. The same basic idea applies to any moderate exercise - you still come out feeling happier.

You don't have to hop on a treadmill to feel better; just get out and ride your bike or play some basketball. Even dancing can help!

Setting up a routine to get out and exercise gives you something stable to look forward to in your day, which may otherwise be lacking in your life.

If you want to, exercising with a friend, or even your family, is a great idea!

Journals

Someone writing in their journal These are just great places to get your thoughts and feelings sorted out. If you're stressed about the divorce and feeling angry or afraid, this is where you can write it all down.

Even if you don't feel comfortable talking to others or exercising, writing in a journal can make you feel better. If you keep a long-term, detailed journal you can look back in it for trends of what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad.

If you don't feel comfortable keeping a journal around where others can find it, you have options.

First, you can hide it. The effectiveness of this option depends on just how creative you are.

Your second option is to shred it. That way you can write about your feelings, maybe write a mock letter to your parents if you're upset with them, and then you can shred the letter when you're done. You never have to worry about someone else reading it, and it will still help you sort out your thoughts.

Finally, you can send yourself emails where you type out how you're feeling. This way you can still go back and look at what you wrote, but your journal is password protected. No matter your choice, keeping a journal is a great way of coping with the divorce of your parents.

Download 'My Family and I' [PDF] which will help you to think around the changes occurring in your family.

Download 'My family is changing' [PDF] which is a guide to help you through the changes in your family

Other Healthy Ways

This is the 'Create-Your-Own' slot. There isn't one right way of coping; there are many other healthy ways of doing so.

Praying, reading, playing music - they're all great!

Just use common sense to find the healthy coping method that will work for you, and if you need more help or have questions, always talk to a counsellor.

Common Sense Rights

There are just some situations that are really stressful for a kid to be in, and for that reason it's important to recognise them. Your parents should never put you in any of these situations, but if they do, here are some suggestions on how to get out of them or even avoid them in the first place.

These are the rights which your parents will hopefully respect, but there is no legal backing here. All I can provide are guidelines that should smooth your transition into a changed family.

You have the right to tell your parents what you do and don't feel comfortable with. They don't know how you're feeling and unless you tell them, they'll never know what to change.

Feeling uncomfortable hearing mum talk badly about your dad? Or feel stuck in the middle between your parents? Speak up!

If you don't feel you can talk about it - maybe you're feeling a little emotional or have too much to say - write an email or an essay telling your parent how you feel.

Whatever works for you. Be creative!

Unfortunately, sometimes there are situations where making your needs known just won't work. If that's the case, try to change the topic or find an excuse to leave the room.