Creating security and trust within a new stepfamily

One challenge to creating a cohesive blended family is establishing trust. The children may feel uncertain about their new “family” and resist your efforts to get to know them. Learn not to take their lack of enthusiasm (and other negative attitudes) personally.

It isn’t that they don’t want you to be happy; they just don’t know what it will be like to share their parent with a new spouse, let alone his or her kids. These feelings are normal.

Creating clear, safe boundaries in extended families

An important part of building trust in a family has to do with discipline. Couples should discuss the role each stepparent will play in raising their respective children, as well as changes in household rules.

The following tips can help make this difficult transition a bit smoother:

• Establish the stepparent as more of a friend or counselor rather than a disciplinarian.
• Let the biological (custodial) parent remain primarily responsible for discipline until the stepparent has developed solid bonds with the kids.
• Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the children and post them in a prominent place. This may diminish custodial parent-stepparent-stepchild tension.
• Try to understand what the rules and boundaries are for the kids in their other residence, and, if possible, be consistent.

Dealing with differences

As you merge two families, differences in parenting, discipline, lifestyle, etc. may become more pronounced and can become a source of frustration for the children. Make it a priority to have some unity when it comes to household living, including things like rules, chores, discipline, and allowance. Agreeing on some consistent guidelines and strategies will show the kids that you and your spouse intend to deal with issues in a similar way. This should diminish some feelings of unfairness.

If it simply isn’t possible to agree, you may want to think about working with a support group or counselor to address some of the issues.

Keeping ALL parents involved

Children will adjust better to the stepfamily if they have access to both biological parents. It is important if all parents are involved and work toward a parenting partnership.

• Let the kids know that you and your ex-spouse will continue to love them and be there for them throughout their lives.
• Tell the kids that your new spouse will not be a ‘replacement’ mom or dad, but another person to love and support them.

See FAQs for more tips on working with your ex.

Communicating often and openly

The way a blended family communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When communication is clear, open and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection whether it is between parent and child, stepparent and stepchild or stepsiblings.

Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. Kids like to know what to expect. When they feel empathy and understanding from their parents and stepparents, they are more likely to be resilient to the normal ups and downs of adjusting to new family members and a new living situation.

It might be helpful to set up some ‘house rules’ for communication within a blended family. Some general guidelines:

• Listening respectfully to one another
• Positively addressing conflict
• Establishing an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere
• Doing things together – games, sports, activities
• Showing affection to one another comfortably

Maintaining marriage quality in blended families

Newly remarried couples without children usually use their first months together to build on their relationship. Couples with children, on the other hand, are often more consumed with their own kids than with each other.

You will no doubt focus a lot of energy on your children and their adjustment, but you also need to focus on building a strong marital bond. This will ultimately benefit everyone, including the children. If the children see love, respect and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities.

• Set aside time as a couple, by making regular dates or meeting for lunch or coffee during school time.
• Present a unified parenting approach to the children – arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you.

What to do if your blended family can’t get along

If, despite all of your best efforts, your new spouse and children are not getting along, find a way to protect and nurture the children despite the difficult environment. Hopefully, if the kids see and feel your emotional support, they will do their best with the situation.

It might be time to seek outside help if:

• a child directs anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a step-parent or parent
• a step-parent or parent openly favors one of the children
• members of the family derive no pleasure from usually enjoyable activities such as learning, going to school, working, playing, or being with friends and family.

Gina Kemp, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. contributed to this article.