Frequently asked Questions

Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go. For separation or divorce to be a respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally. To do this each person must face their separation dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.

Couples who are facing the possibility of a relationship breakdown face one of three dilemmas:

• I want to leave, but I am not sure if it is the right decision.
• I do not want to leave, my partner does.
• We want to separate because our relationship is not working.

If your ex is making communication difficult it is tempting to respond in kind. The risk is that bad feelings and behaviour easily escalate. Remember that you have the power to influence the other parent's behaviour even if you can't control it. It may be that your ex is going through a tough patch. Provided that you stick to your original goal of focusing on the children's needs and remain patient you'll hopefully get through it without doing too much damage to your co-parenting relationship.

The Parent Connection has more tips

Devising a plan can help you to become “business-like” in your relationship with each other. You can concentrate on what you can agree on, not on your arguments.

Once arrangements have been agreed, it is often helpful to write them down. This sets out a framework which is clear since it is on paper and can be shared with others supporting you.

This is especially helpful where children are involved

See parenting for more information.

The section on the law provides a very brief outline of the legal rights in relation to Divorce, Separation (both civil partnership and co-habitation), Children and Young People, Finance and Property and Domestic Violence. It is important that you seek independent legal advice in relation to your own particular circumstances

Mediation is considerably less expensive than litigation and takes less time for an outcome to be reached. Parties have an opportunity to engage in constructive discussions at an early stage before the legal costs and time escalate and become a stumbling block themselves.

The average time for "All Issues Mediation" is between 3 and 5 meetings. However, the time needed depends on:

• Individual circumstances
• The number and complexity of the issues that need resolving
• How flexible you can be regarding days/times for appointments

See about mediation and the way forward for more information

It is probably a good idea to get some specialist advice from a solicitor when you start to think about separating or divorcing, particularly if there are money matters to deal with.They will tell you where you stand and help you work out your options.You may decide, after a first interview, that you can sort things out yourself, but at least you will do this knowing about your legal position.

Contact with his/her natural parents is regarded as a fundamental right of the child and there have to be strong reasons for a court to refuse contact. There are two critical elements in making and maintaining contact:

Where contact works, it is evident that all parties were committed to contact, and to making it work. This commitment is accompanied by an implicit agreement or bargain between parents about their respective roles. Non-resident parents accepted their non-resident status and did not challenge the status of, or denigrate or threaten the resident parent. Resident parents actively supported contact, for example by suggesting or organising activities.

Active facilitation is vital in ensuring that children have the emotional permission to enjoy contact. In some cases, it also ensures the continuing involvement of contact parents

The other key component was that parents are able to work through the inevitable difficulties. Contact is about establishing 'good enough' rather than perfect relationships. Parents need to have a realistic, balanced appraisal of each other, recognising strengths and weaknesses. Equally, they need to accept that some disagreement is inevitable, but still will manage to compromise or deal with conflict in a way that does not escalate a problem into a dispute. A presumption of 'good intentions' meant that differences in parenting style were accepted as legitimate, or could be tackled without undermining contact.

For more information on child contact arrangements and maintenance, see supporting children, the law and additional support services

It is challenging to be a parent and it is even more challenging to be a divorced or separated parent. By putting children first, parents can do a lot to reduce the negative effects divorce may have on children and give them a better chance to have happy and healthy lives. How a child adapts to a divorce largely depends on how parents interact with each other.

Obviously, interacting with your spouse can be the last thing you want to do; however, it's important that parents respect each other and help their children maintain strong, close relationships with the other parent.

• although you have less time with the children, try to appreciate how much time the other parent spends doing the exhausting, routine jobs.
• don't assume that you can please yourself when you see the children and that the other parent will always be happy to change their plans to fit around you.

Before doing any button pressing, try to weigh up the short term satisfaction of 'winning' an encounter with your ex against the longer term satisfaction of having a successful parent partnership. Remember that in a few years time the competition about who is the better parent or who was right will feel pointless.

Disagreements are bound to arise when dealing with your ex. If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle, and frustrated about his or her inability to put the children first, try to step back and remember the big picture. It sounds clichéd, but it will be best for your kids to have a good relationship with both of their parents throughout their lives. If you can keep that long term goal in mind, you may be able to avoid disagreements about daily details.

See article on communication with your ex for further tips.

Children, as well as parents, feel the stress and confusion of separation and divorce. Many kids feel angry, sad and frustrated about the prospect of their parents splitting up for good and are uncertain about what life will be like after divorce.

Your ability to support your children by communicating successfully with your child, meeting their needs for safety and support, taking care of yourself, and maintaining a civil relationship with your ex will have a positive effect on your child. Given the right support, your child will be able express their feelings, grieve their loss, and emerge from this unsettling time a stronger more resilient person.

• Parents
• Divorcing couples
• Teenage parents
• Grandparents
• Adult siblings
• Parents & adult children
• Other members of the extended family where communication and/or relationships are problematic.

Family mediation can help improve communication, help you make decisions about future arrangements for the children and help you make decisions about property and finance as it affects your separation.

• Contact arrangements
• Residence of children
• Parenting
• Communication
• Maintenance
• Child support
• Finance
• Holiday arrangements
• Property
• Sharing possessions
• Pensions / Endowments
• Settling of debts
• Wills and probate
• Re-establishing contact
• Care of older relatives
• Education

• A safe neutral environment in which to discuss things
• Impartiality
• An organised and constructive process
• Options for you to explore
• A lasting agreement for the future

MEDIATORS DO NOT:

• Give legal advice
• Offer counselling or therapy
• Make decisions for you

• Improved future relationships - you are able to move forward and make a new start
• Exploration of all issues - our mediators can help you identify the real issues and guide the discussion in an open and fair way
• Simplicity - the process is informal, straightforward and constructive
• Control - you remain in control and as mediation is voluntary you can stop the process at any time
• Flexibility - unique solutions negotiated to suit each particular case
• Saves time - and avoids the stress of a lengthy legal process
• Saves money - Legal costs are kept to a minimum

Our experienced mediators come from a wide range of professional backgrounds.

All have been trained by National Family Mediation or other approved body and participate in continuous professional development.

Once training is completed all mediators are competence assessed by the Family Mediation Council to Legal Services Commission requirements.

The average time for "All Issues Mediation" is between 3 and 5 meetings.

However, the time needed depends on:

• Individual circumstances
• The number and complexity of the issues that need resolving
• How flexible you can be regarding days/times for appointments

Most sessions last for 1.5 hours. You will probably need to attend between 1 – 5 sessions, depending on the number and complexity of the issues that you need to discuss.

NFM is pledged to make mediation available to all regardless of ability to pay. However Services must obviously cover their costs to remain financially viable and available. The income from grants and charitable trusts is declining. As a consequence all services have a charging policy.

The current situation is as follows:

Exemptions

• Free for clients funded by the Community Legal Service Fund (formerly Legal Aid)

Approach to fees

• each local Service sets its own fees
• most operate a sliding scale based on client income
• some operate fixed fees
• some charge lower fees for mediation involving children’s issues only (average 5 hours) and higher fees for mediation on all issues (average 12 hours)
• the range of fees charged often begins at around £25 per hour for those on lower incomes, with those on higher incomes generally being asked to pay more

Mediation is free for those on a low income who are eligible for public funding (legal aid).

If you are not eligible for public funding mediation services have a charging policy.

For more information please contact your local service.

At your initial meeting, the mediator will assess your eligibility based on information provided about your current income and expenditure. The assessment form is available on the LSC website at www.legalservices.gov.uk.

Mediation can be used to try to avoid bringing a court claim, or during a court case to try to shorten it and resolve the dispute before the court makes its decision

Litigation is conventionally used and conventionally accepted, but Mediation is slowly becoming more recognized as a successful tool in dispute resolution. Slowly these processes are becoming inter-dependent, as the Courts are now referring parties to Mediation. In saying this, there are distinct differences between the two processes.

Mediation claims to resolve many of the problems associated with litigation, such as the high costs involved, the formality of the court system and the complexity of the court process. Mediation does not create binding agreements unless the parties consent to it, and the Mediator has no say in the outcome. Even though our court system and mediation have increasing connections, they still reflect different value assumptions and structural approaches towards dispute resolution.

You can come to a mediation assessment meeting at any point in a legal dispute, provided that the circumstances of your case are suitable for the mediation process. Indeed, many courts actively encourage people to try to resolve the issues between them outside the court process wherever possible.

For more information please contact your local service.

You probably do not need a solicitor if:

• you have no minor children;
• your assets are not substantial;
• you and your spouse both want the divorce and agree on the division of property (if there are pension assets that you have agreed to divide, you should consult a solicitor, as they can only be divided after specific court orders have been made);
• you are certain you have proper grounds for divorce;
• you have no connections abroad;
• you are not disputing maintenance or child support.

Even if you need a solicitor for financial matters, you could still save yourself money by attending mediation, seeking advice from a solicitor only as necessary and by seeking to agree on matters with your spouse as much as possible.

Being supportive to a person going through separation or divorce is crucial. Divorce can be one of the most difficult things a person can encounter.

Many times well meaning friends or family do not know what to do when their loved one need help; instead of helping, they actually make things worse. Here are some practical tools to help.

Making decisions about who lives where after separation is not easy. Obviously it’s important to try to arrange something that will minimise disruption for yourself and especially for children, if there are any involved, but of course it has to be affordable for both parties.

It may be advisable to get some information from a solicitor who specialises in family work. If you think it might be possible to sort something out with your ex, taking into account any children's needs and your financial situation, then mediation might well be worth a try.

Understanding your finances is a vital part of gaining, or regaining your financial freedom. While everyone's finances are different, the following list is a good place to begin if you find yourself needing to regain financial control.

• Revise your will / trust

  Whether you have had a will or trust in place in the past, now is the time to meet with an estate-planning attorney to draft one. This document allows you to determine who will inherit your hard earned assets, who will care for your children in the event of your death, and how your children will inherit the assets you have left to them.

  It is important to establish these guidelines rather than leaving the decision up to the state. In addition, you should ask your solicitor about a medical directive. This important document appoints a trusted love one with the ability to make medical decisions on your behalf if you are unable to do so.

• Update your beneficiary designations

  While you have taken the steps to update your Living Will or Trust, certain accounts require you to directly appoint a beneficiary. This includes your life insurance and retirement accounts.

  Contact your life insurance company or broker, as well as the companies where your retirement accounts are held and request a change of beneficiary form. This form can usually be faxed in, no questions asked.

• Develop a budget

  It is important to put together and follow a budget. Now that you are living off one income, instead of two, understanding what income is coming in, as well as what income is flowing out, will allow you to plan for expenses and ensure you are not overspending.

  You may need to cut back or you may have more money to save! Either way, it is important to know for sure. During this process, it is also important to understand how you income is being taxed. For instance, child support is not taxable. Speak to a tax professional to help you determine what is and what is not taxable.

• Manage your credit cards

  Have you pulled your credit lately? It is important to review your credit report to ensure that your ex-partner is no longer authorised on your cards. This is an important step for home and car loans as well.

• Develop a retirement plan

  During divorce settlements, retirement assets are often split 50/50.This may or may not have worked in your favor. Either way, it is important to understand what you can expect, and what you need to plan for. A Certified Financial Planner can assist you in forecasting your retirement need, developing a savings plan, and determining which investments are right for you.

• Reassess your health insurance needs

  It is important to be sure that your health insurance is sufficient to cover your needs, but isn’t too expensive. If it is through your work, don’t forget to remove your ex from the plan.

  If you were previously on your spouses / partners plan, you do not need to wait until open enrollment to sign up at your company. Just make sure you act quickly. Most insurance companies consider divorce a "qualifying event" or "life event" and allow thirty days to change your plan accordingly.

• Ensure you have adequate Life Insurance

  In order to be sure your children are well provided for and your debts will not affect those you love, having adequate life insurance coverage is important. I recommend using a life insurance calculator or speaking with a Certified Financial Planner to determine how much coverage you should purchase.

  While everyone's situation is different, applying these steps will allow you to begin on the path to financial freedom. Understanding your current financial picture while setting goals for your future are important steps in starting your new life.

Have a look at our section on Finances for more information

While parents are likely to approach remarriage and a new blended family. with great joy and expectation, your kids or your new spouse’s kids may feel left out of your choice and uncertain about the change. What will the new person in their life mean to them? What will their new step-siblings be like? How will their relationship with their biological parents change?

As you get ready to expand your family, a few important things to remember are:

• Be realistic – things won’t be perfect overnight.
• Be patient – good relationships take time and kids need to time to trust and count on you.
• Limit your expectations – know that you will probably give a lot of time, energy, love and affection that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest, but don’t expect anything in return for now.

Given the right support, kids should gradually adjust to their new family members. It is your job to communicate openly, meet their needs for security and give them plenty of time to make a successful transition.

It takes time to adjust. As adjustment takes place it is important not to push feelings under the carpet and pretend they are not there. They will bubble up in adults and children, sometimes triggered by incidents and memories.

After divorce, it is important to try and get your life back on track as soon as possible. Instead, take the bull by the horns and make changes in your life to suit what you want and need. It could be a simple as getting a new haircut or signing up for a membership to your local gym. Whatever the remedy may be, doing things for yourself will help you heal from the stress and emotional strain a divorce can cause.

Adjusting to life after divorce can seem difficult at first. But with time, the emotional wounds you feel will heal. Giving yourself a chance to cope with the changes you face in life will allow you to build a way forward and to find out what is most important to you.